I survived rape, but I didn't understand what trauma would do to me | Lucy Hall

I survived rape, but I didn't understand what trauma would do to me | Lucy Hall:

Victims can find it almost impossible – as I did – to deal with their pain. We need access to proper mental health support

Last month I thought about taking my life and wrote a note. I hadn’t made up my mind about dying, but I thought it was best to be prepared. I used the most legible form of my handwriting I could, I kept it succinct and without blame. I hoped the core message would come through: “I have tried so, so hard, but the pain is too much.”

I didn’t realise the irony. I didn’t realise yet that it was the “trying” that was killing me. I was trying much, much too hard to be OK and to be happy. And because I wasn’t (and am not) happy – or, a lot of the time, OK – I felt like a failure. This feeling of failure was the thing making me want to die. I hope that in detailing the depths of pain I felt that night, this article might help someone.

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